ACT 4

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ACT 4- Random Acts

Scene 1: And Now The News

CAST:
DINK HAIRPEEZ & NANCY NEWZINSKI: Stereotypical newscasters. DR. APARTMENT Arrogant doctor type, uses a cane. BIFF PIGSKIN: Jock sportscaster (Conversely, change the name and use a nerdier person, who obviously doesn't get sports at all.

STAGING:
Set up to look like a typical 70's/80's newsroom. Think SNL

COSTUMES:
Business clothes. Lab coat for Dr.

PROPS:
Piles of papers, mics


FADE UP

OFF STAGE VOICE: And now KSTI Evening News, with Dink Hairpeez and Nancy Newzinski

Dink: The nation is reeling today from yesterdays errorist attacks on multiple metropolitan areas. Carried out by unknown groups, public signs, billboards and displays exploded with misplaced apostrophes, removal of the Oxford comma, inappropriate use of "its", and replacement of words like "too" and "to" with their letter homophones.

Nancy: Heath care workers in the targeted areas are desperately trying to keep up with the influx of injured, many with repetitive stress injuries from frantic attempts to escape the attacks with an eraser or corrective fluid. Dr Jeffrey Apartment of the Kingston-Boringboro Teaching Hospital says that the core population of the affected seem to be English Professors, Editors and Language Prescriptivists.

Dr. Apartment: (via video or aside) While the vast majority of the injuries are minor, and caused by the obsessive need to correct or remove the errors that sprung up overnight, we've also seen more serious cases like eyes being gouged out, self-inflicted baldness, and full blown hysteria and apoplexy brought on by the attacks. The common thread between these more severe cases seems to be a repeated history of correcting and complaining about people's grammar on the internet.

Dink: Physicians are doing everything they can for those impacted, but doctors say the recovery will be a long and hard road, especially for those who may now need to rely on modern text messaging to communicate.

Nancy: Authorities have no leads on who carried out these heinous attacks on communication, but several highly placed organizations like the Strunk & White Appreciation Society are laying the blame on a rogue faction of Anonymous.

Dink: One thing these attacks haven't impacted is local sports, and here's Biff Pigskin with the latest, Biff?

SONG: CHAOS, DISORDER & PANIC, OH MY

FADE TO BLACK


INTERLUDE

Let us pray

Lady of Chaos, protect my enemies. Let them remain strong enough to continue blocking my path whenever I might otherwise run into danger. Let them know they have helped me almost as much as my friends, I'm sure they would enjoy Your attention.

Lady of Weirdness, protect my enemies. Keep them locked inside their closed minds with the shades drawn tight and the doors barricaded against fresh thought, which might POOF them like sunlight on the vampires they’re becoming. At least they aren't glittery vampires, what's up with that shit?

Lady who is the Ultimate Antidote to Entropy, Thank you for their drooling kneejerk reactions and pseudopatriotic fundamentalism. I enjoy making them hysterical and frothing when I’m bored. Don’t let me gloat too much when I scare them so easily. If I were small, and grey, and cold, I’d get scared too.

You might let them know how pathetic they look, getting worked up over a man who looks like a giant cheeto with a dead tribble on his head. I'm just saying.

Lady of Chaos, guide my enemies. Should they ever become brave enough to abandon their brain’s musty attics, if they ever open their hearts enough to come play in the sunshine of Your Glory, please make me big enough to not hold a grudge.

(closes book and bows head)

Fnord.


Scene 2: A Cabinet Meeting

CAST:

STAGING:

COSTUMES:

PROPS:


FADE UP

INSERT TEXT HERE- Vague sense that this is a presidential cabinet meeting about the Errorist attacks.

SONG: ???

FADE TO BLACK


INTERLUDE

INSERT TEXT HERE

(closes book and bows head)

Fnord.


Forward to Act 5

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