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ACT 2-Hail Discordia

Scene 1: And So It Begins

MAL (should be obviously the same person as MY from the Prelude, only younger and less guru-ed up.), OMAR, ERIS SECURITY GUARDS. 2-3 of the GC as random bowlers in the backgrounds.

A retro cafe table, like you'd find at an older bowling alley. Sounds of bowling in the background.

Bowling League Uniforms & shoes for MAL and OMAR, with their names on the front. Discordianized bowling uniform and gold shoes for ERIS. Generic security guard uniforms for the GUARDS, but the badge should be a gold apple crest. GC should wear their usual garb, but with bowling shoes.

Coffee mugs, bowling balls, gold bowling ball with a black K on it.


Two guys sit at the table drinking coffee, As they talk, other bowlers wander past behind them, doing various odd things

Mal: That was a good game. Nice hedgehog.

Omar: You too. I didn't know pins could bounce that high.

Mal: Me neither. Bettylou said she'd call from the hospital when they had news.

Omar: Oh good. Scalp wounds bleed like crazy. Whatcha wanna do now?

Mal: Today, I think we should solve world hunger.

Omar: No, we did world hunger last week. How about global warming?

Mal: What kind of un-patriotic terrorist are you? Everyone knows global warming is a myth perpetuated by the Fascist Socialists of the Left to ruin the American Economy.

Omar: Oh, yeah, I saw that on Fox.

Mal: How about world peace?

Omar: Hmm, could be good... Well, peace is just really a side effect of discord, right? Solve discord, and everything else goes poof!

Mal: There you go. Chaos and strife are at the root of all confusion.

Suddenly, all goes black, there is a blinding light and smoke. Mal and Omar cover their eyes. Two bowlers behind them are caught in odd poses. ERIS appears.

She walks up to Mal and Omar.

Eris: How’s the lanes, boys?

Mal: They’re, um, good.

Omar: Why is no one moving?

Eris: Because giving revelations with an audience is irritating.

Mal: But, who are you?

Eris: I’m Eris, you dork.

Mal: But you don’t look like the Eris from the first act.

Eris: Of course not. What kind of Goddess of Chaos would I be if I always looked the same. Duh! (thwaps Mal upside the head) Now listen up.


At the end of the song, the lights go black again, and come up to reveal Eris gone. The bowlers get out of their odd positions with much stretching and groaning, and wander back offstage.

Mal: Stares into mug I think the bowling alley changed coffee on us.

Omar: Yeah.

Long pause while they both stare at their coffee

Mal: So.

Omar: So.

Mal: A religion based on the Goddess of Confusion.

Omar: Nuts, man.

They continue stare at their coffee, and then slowly look at each other in wonder. They begin to giggle, and then chortle, until they’re laughing great hysterical belly laughs that don’t stop, even when two SECURITY GUARDS drag them offstage.



A recitation of the Pentabarf

Know ye this, oh man, woman or gender non-specific bipedal humanoid of faith!

There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.

A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.

A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).

A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.

A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.

It is so written! So be it. HAIL DISCORDIA! Prosecutors will be transgressified. All rights reversed.

(closes book and bows head)

Scene 2: The Initiation


A couple of tall candelabras. A flat surface decorated as an altar, but with weird decorations, instead of the usual pagan altar.

Hooded monks robes for the PRIESTS (and an extra one folded up by the altar for the Initiate), but in weird fabrics. HP has a Discordian stole over the robe. INITIATE in plain white underwear.

Inflatable hotdog, huge #5, rubber chicken, tub of spackle, gold apple. Porn magazines, cel phones, Nintendo DS. Cabbage


5 robed & hooded figures enter, each carrying an item that they place on or near the altar, then they make a circle with the HP by the altar.

During the ceremony, the priests not talking should be making faces at each other, or sneaking porn/phones/games out from under their robes and the like.

The HP lights the candles, and waits...then clears their throat loudly. In comes the Initiate.

Initiate: Umm, is this the place?

High Priest: (in ominous sounding voice)It is.

Initiate: Your Holyness? Why am I in my underwear?

High Priest: Looks down at the initiate, normal voice Who else would be in your underwear? Bob, would you wear his/her underwear?

Preist #2: Naaah, looks like prime wedgie conditions, there.

High Priest: (to initate) There, you see?

Initiate: I...I think so.

High Priest: Good. Now pay attention. Raises the hot dog over the Initiate's head, and says in a pompous, important voice I, Frater Ginsu, He Who Slices and Dices, High Enchilada of Miscellany, Holder of the Holy Mispelling, 2/3rd High Priest of Doing-Whatever-It-Is-That-I-Do-And-Doing-It-Better-Than-Average-Thank-You-Very-Much and Ordained Priest of the Paratheo-anametamystikhood of Eris Esoteric, with the Authority ingested by me through Her Wholeyness, Eris Discordia, Goddess of Confusion and Chaos, do herewith require answers of deep import: Are ye a human being and not a cabbage or tree frog or something?

Initiate: Yes, I am human

Priest #3: That's too bad, I'm sorry to hear that.

High Priest: Do ye wish to better thyself?

Initiate: I do strive to better myself.

Priest #2: Well, that's stupid. Knock it off.

High Priest: Are ye willing to become philosophically illuminized?

Initiate: Illuminate me, oh holy ones!

Priest #2: Ha, ha, very funny. Am I a lightbulb?

High Priest: Will ye dedicate thyself to the Wholey Erisian Movement?

Initiate: I suppose so. Does it involve canoodling?

Priest #3: Only on every third Thursday that is a prime number.

Initiate: Oh, ok then. I do!

High Priest: Good. Then repeatest thou after me: I, insert your name here,

Initiate: I, insert your name here (gets hit with rolled up porn mag) OW! Sorry! Ahem. I, Brother/Sister Not-A-Cabbage-Despite-What-My-Mother-Says

High Priest: Do hereby declare myself

Initiate: Do hereby declare myself

High Priest: A member of the Sacred Erisian Movement

Initiate: A member of the Sacred Erisian Movement

High Priest: And the Foundation for Neocognitive and Ontological Research and Development

Initiate: And the Foundation for Neocognitive and Ontological Research and Development

High Priest: Hail Eris!

Priests: Hail Eris!

Initiate: Hail Eris!

High Priest: Fnord!

Initiate: What?

Priest #2 Fnord!

Initiate: What?

High Priest: Slapping Priest 2 on the back, harder than needed I never get tired of that.

The initate is hit on the head with an inflatable hot dog, dressed in his/her robe, and is welcomed joyously into the Order by the others. Random pratfalls happen. As the celebration ensues, they burst into...


At the end of the song, the initiate leaves, the Priests get back into position and tell someone to bring in the next initiate. Someone should bring in a cabbage, place it in the middle of the floor and they should begin the initiation again starting at "I, Frater Ginsu (or make up some other odd Pope name..)and start FADE TO BLACK at "questions of import". At full black there should be the sound of a cabbage being cleavered in half, and someone yells “Woohoo! Coleslaw for the buffet tonight!”


A reading from the Chao te Ching of Cramulus and LMNO:

The Grayface believes in Order.
The Anarchist believes in Disorder.
The General sees war.
The Celebrity sees themselves.
The Bureaucrat seeks control.
The Leader acts like a bully on the playground.
The Scientist and the Priest believe in the model.

All these things are balanced in Chaos,
and so do not succeed.
Therefore the followers of Eris like to poke them with sticks.

(closes book and bows head)

Forward to Act 3

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