ACT 1- The Original Snub
Scene 1: Party Planning
ZEUS: King of the Olympian Gods. All powerful, and completely hen-pecked. HERA: Queen of the Gods. Past her prime, and cranky as all fuck.
Some Greek-looking columns. Assorted plants in vases, and a desk.
Classic Greek robes trimmed in gold & gold laurel wreaths, sandals & accessories for both.
Scrolls and quill. Sparkly lighting bolt.
Hera sits at a desk, with quill and paper, scribbling, checking a scroll, and scribbling more. Background music should be something like a harp.
Hera: Zeus! Get your divine ass in here, or I won’t help you polish your thunderbolt!
Zeus enters, adjusting his toga. We get the impression that he’s a ladies man, but none to perky upstairs.
Zeus: Sorry dear, I was just, umm...
Hera: Wearing your cow costume and chasing some chick around, again?
Hera: Never mind, come help me with the guest list.
Zeus: Guest list, dear?
Hera: Guest list. You know, for Peleus and Thetis’ wedding feast? You did remember their wedding, didn’t you? You promised sun. (Sighs at his blank look) Just look at these names, would you? We have to make sure we don’t leave out anyone.
SONG: GOTTA INVITE THEM ALL
Hera: Wait... Eris?
Zeus: Eris. You know, tall, that crazy hair, big...(suggestive gesture)
Hera: Yes, I know from Eris. Do you think that’s wise?
Zeus: Well why not? She’s a party animal.
Hera: Yes, exactly. I don’t know if Thetis wants her wedding feast upstaged by Eris’...antics. Remember the last party? I’m still finding olive pits in things, and I don’t think Hephaesteus or that poor snake will ever be the same...
Hera: No Eris.
Zeus: Are you sure that’s wise, dear? Haven’t you read Sleeping Beauty?
Hera: NO ERIS, and that’s final.
FADE TO BLACK
A reading from The 23 Apples of Eris: (this could be done as a call/response with one of the GC)
The Discordian Pentalemma and Pentabuttal
Is Eris willing to prevent Order, but not able? Then She is not omnipotent.
- Are you saying that the only proof of a woman’s power is Her ability to fulfill your desires? Why should She prevent Order?
Is She able, but not willing? Then She is malevolent.
- Are you calling Her evil for not catering to your every whim? Perhaps She isn’t the malevolent one.
Is She both able and willing? Then whence cometh Order?
- Even when you admit that it’s not Her fault, you still place the responsibility for preventing Order on Her. Pull your own weight.
Is She neither able nor willing? Then why call Her Goddess?
- Respect. That’s why.
In conclusion: Eris is a weak, hateful, Order-inflicting bitch.
- In conclusion: You’re an unreasonable, spoiled, lazy asshhat. See also: Incel.
(closes book and bows head)
Scene 2- The Prettiest
HERA, ZEUS, PARIS, ERIS, APHRODITE, ATHENA. Zeus should double as Aphrodite or Athena. One of the GC can come in as HERMES near the end.
As above, no desk, add bench and modern tacky wedding decorations.
Same classic Greek robes made fancy for the basic Gods, with additions to suggest who they are, like a spear for Ares, and helmet for Athena. PARIS wears a robe of purple velveteen with fake fur trim, Greek Hero meets Pimp Daddy. ERIS wears a brightly tie-dyed robe and spiked heel sandals, wild hair. HERMES wears pink lame or satin with rainbow trim and pink sneakers with rainbow wings.
Golden Apple with KALLISTI on it, olives, wine bottle and glass.
Wedding party noises from offstage, lots of HOOPAHing, and glass breaking and Greek music. Several of the GC are milling about. Hera is sitting on a bench sipping a glass of wine. Zeus walks in with his arm around one of the GC's shoulder, and a handful of olives.
Zeus: So you see, I figured chicks dig cows right? So why not... he sees Hera, who hasn’t seen him yet How’s about I catch you later? Pats GC on the back and steers them offstage.
Hera: Well, this turned out well.
Zeus: (mumbling around an olive) The food is great!
Paris stumbles in, obviously plastered.
Paris: Zeus! My main Olympian man, slide me some of that godly skin (makes high five sort of motions at Zeus, who just blinks confusedly, and pops another olive in his mouth)
Hera: Paris, have you been drinking again?
Paris: Again? Did I stop at some point?
Zeus: Why are you called Paris, anyhow? It’s not a very Greek name!
Paris: Momma married a Frenchman.
Zeus: Wow, she had a lot of Gaul.
(drum riff here – everyone should look around to see where it came from, and then go on as if nothing had happened)
Hera is just about to scold them both, when there is a loud bang, smoke, and screaming from offstage. Eris strides in looking, well, chaotic.
Hera: (in her best smarmy upper-class voice) Why Eris, darling, what a pleasant surprise.
Eris: Can it, you twit. You know damn good and well I didn’t get an invite. What gives?
Zeus: Hera though you were too wild.
Hera thwaps him hard, he scampers off
Eris: Too wild am I? Slinks up to Hera and flirts Baby, you ain’t seen nothin’. Sees Paris in the background attempting to make out with one of the GC and slinks over to him. Heya, Paris.
The GC member flees, Paris is oblivious to his doom.
Paris: Eris, baby! You’re looking... bright and colorful.
Eris: (looking back at Hera) Isn’t he the sweetest thing? (Talks to Paris like he’s 3) Paris, darling, you’re quite the good judge of women, aren’t you?
Paris: (preening) Why Hades, (Muffled protest of "Hey, stop taking my name in vain!" from offstage) yeah, Eris, I can spot a fine lady from across the Parthenon.
Eris: Perfect, just perfect! You can help me, then! See, I found this beautiful golden apple outside, and I just don’t know who it belongs to. See? It says KALLISTI on it. Pretty pretty please find the owner for little old me? (There should be cheek pinching and some baby talk in here, too)
Paris: “For the Prettiest”, huh? Well that shouldn’t be too hard.
Aphrodite and Athena have, by this time, wandered in to see what all the fuss is about.
Eris: (Smooches Paris) I just know you’ll do well! Ta, everyone! I’m going to go have a quiet evening alone. By myself. With a hot dog. And a beer. You all have...fun.
She leaves, and the three vultures...er...Goddesses advance on Paris.
Hera: Well, obviously the apple is mine. I am the Queen of the Gods, after all.
Aphrodite: You wish, you old...(nastily, looking back where Zeus exited)cow! Love and Beauty go together naturally, so the apple is mine!
Athena: As if you had two brain cells to rub together! Guys think brains are hot, so the apple is mine!
SONG: TO THE PRETTIEST
Paris: (over end of song) SHADDAAAAPPP!!! pauses, breathing heavily. Everyone is frozen, waiting for what he'll say Fuck this, I'm going with Hermes! Grabs Hermes by the arm and flees. Hera and Athena make outraged noises and chase him offstage. He tosses the apple over his shoulder as he runs. Aphrodite catches it and holds it triumphantly over her head.
Zeus: From off stage, as the lights go down So, Aphrodite... tell me about this Helen of Troy... Don’t Trojan chicks like cows? FADE TO BLACK
A reading from the Principia Discordia:
1. Before the beginning was the Nonexistent Chao, balanced in Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpushpull of the Hodge and the Podge.
2. Whereupon, by an Act of Happenstance, the Hodge began gradually to overpower the Podge -- and the Primal Chaos thereby came to be.
3. So in the beginning was the Primal Chaos, balanced on the Edge of Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpullpush of the Podge and the Hodge.
4. Whereupon, by the Law of Negative Reversal, the Podge swiftly underpowered the Hodge and Everything broke loose.
5. And therein emerged the Active Force of Discord, the Subtle Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao, to guide Everything along the Path back to Oblivion - that it might not become lost among Precepts of Order in the Region of Thud.
6. Forasmuch as it was Active, the Force of Discord entered the State of Confusion, wherein It copulated with the Queen and begat ERIS, Our Lady of Discord and Gross Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao.
7. And under Eris Confusion became established, and was hence called Bureaucracy; while over Bureaucracy Eris became established, and was hence called Discordia.
8. By the by it came to pass that the Establishment of Bureaucracy perished in a paper shortage.
9. Thus it was, in accord with the Law of Laws.
(closes book and bows head)